"Saturday night"

This is the best time to try to write a blog....midnight, insomnia, wasted day, another 'wasted day' in the making..... It is a bit of a struggle for me anyways, but let's try one more time.

How easy it is for people to jot down anything in their blogs, without thinking of making it readable, without thinking about who the reader might be, without any concern for what it might convey......"a blog is for yourself", "I couldn't care less if others read it or not", "I just have to write regularly", I have yet to feel what I have the heard the others say.

I just sat down to read all the blogs all the people had posted after a long time (partly because of the recently troublesome net connection at home). And I feel very unhappy, very low, kind of disturbed. I don't know why people disturb me sometimes, is it them or is it there thoughts, is it their presence or lack there of. But whatever it might be, sometimes just thinking about what others feel becomes disturbing. Tch tch tch...why should I care? But I do.

Anyways, it has not been a bad day. I have had company, I have had things to do, and I have had a good sleep. But I have had no exercise. I miss that. I have become this freak, that till I don't exert myself beyond exhaustion each day, I don't get the high (so to speak)! After a nice long run, or a day long strenuous hike, or a good exhausting game of anything, the exuberance is immaculate. I cannot define the bliss I get after any kind of physical exertion.

(The only thing I have been able to explain myself about this is that I have a lot of useless energy, which unless I vent out somehow, goes into my head as heat and disturbs the whole system. And so I force myself into continuing this to the effect that I remain content.)

I really wish I could have a physically active lifestyle forever. Could I find a profession which would seek manual labor? Sitting in front of the computer bothers me, irritates me, and I really wish I can find a out of this. Looking at the screen (how the hell can anti-glare, flat screen, 21" et al help!!!!) for 10 hours continuously gives me the biggest pain. Could there not be something other than that for me? Yet................sitting in the silicon valley, in era of micro-processors, even a civil engineer's only concern for the whole of Saturday was......."could I get my internet connection fixed?".

Sigh!!!!! This is "not" life.

Just thinking aloud....

(Vi)Desh
It has been almost 20 days since I spoke to anyone in Hindi, and believe me it doesn't feel that good. I had been waiting for that day when I would actually get a chance to speak my language, and it happened last evening. I had purchased too much of stuff for my empty home, that I needed to call a cab. The cab arrived at the store, the driver got out and asked "Kahan jana hai?". It was a bliss to hear that question being posed, and my ecstasy had no bounds. The whole ride back home, the sardarji continued his conversation in a tongue much familiar a..n...d.......m...u....c...h.........l...i..k...e.d...........

........

Eight Thirty to Five Thirty
Each day, every week, I am on the 16th floor of 555 on 12th Street. It is the third Monday that I am here, and it has become quite familiar. Right in downtown Oakland, overlooking the Bay, it is an awesome view from here. Very unlike the countryside where I am living, Fremont. But even the contrast is appealing. The 30 mile long train ride gets me here, the day begins with work, not too much but keeps me busy. But by the time I reach home it is already dark, and I cannot appreciate the niceties of the locale.....????

........

Variety
Today is a day of no work in office, I am just here/ have to be here.....So I was reading through blogs, and relating them to my own. People write about feelings, or opinions or thoughts. I am only able to write about the events. I somehow just think about incidents to narrate, and never feel the need to share a thought. This could be because I am not able to express myself or do not think much about things. I can believe both of them. ......

.......

SO basically I am not able to write anything. Just because I have nothing to do right now I thought I would better post something, just to keep the flow going. But again it is a time of zero productivity. I will sometime write better.

........02/07/2007

India....home....
relax....enjoy....
IIT..Gurgaon...
Friends....Hostel....Events....Match...
chillax....
Flight.....loooong flight...
questions.....concerns......doubts....
Austin?.......
California!.....
homeless....clueless....big city....scared
All by my self
Commute 30 miles....bus.....train....Office....formal dressing.....work.....
Apartment hunt.....place, Fremont? Oakland? San Francisco?....
Alone?...Roommate search?....neighborhood....
Decisions....planning....
?????
House....alone....nothing.....
Austin.....
Delhi.....

Thoughts, feelings and concerns have not caught up yet with the pace with which things have been happening. Each day has something different to show. The pace has been tormenting but fun, and hopefully will continue like this.

Farewell to Austin

"Jaage hain der tak humen, kuch der sone do
Thodi si raat aur hai, subah to hone do.
Aadhe adhure khwab jo, poore na ho sake
Ek baar phir se neend mein, woh khwab bone do." - Guru

.....as the night passes on, I am repeatedly listening to this song to decipher its quintessence so as to write in my blog. I temporarily settle with this that it is basically a compactly worded morning’s lament of any typical grad student. But still I like it immensely, and so it has been my companion for a large part of today.

It was a very typical weekend day at Austin for me today. Everybody else busy with work, me shirking all work coz “it’s a Saturday dude”, some bit of cooking and cleaning, lots of physical activity, mails, orkutting, catching up with dear friends through messenger, HEB visit, spending time with myself……I have spent many weekends like this, so even before the day comes I know or have planned out what each hour will look like. The earlier days had always been depressing and spoilt my mood, but gradually I settled into them.

But the last part of today was not a routine. It was the most unexpected incident for me….a farewell party by Austin-ites. Well….there are a lot of mixed feelings with it. I was elated and overwhelmed to see everyone plan this surprise, cook great food, get me a tennis racquet (the first racquet I own, and I worship any of the kind), and organize the whole affair so well. My happiness is beyond words……but it also means an official adieu from Austin.

Austin has been a great time! I would have begged to differ had it been last year this time. I came here with no expectations but just the belief that everything settles down by itself and new friends are made. But I must say that it took me much longer than I wanted to settle down here. I became more and more reclusive, unfriendly and reserved as days passed. I just thought of how my friends back home spend time together and envy them. And this anti-social behavior, for which I hated myself but could not help, prolonged the process of adjustment to new things.

Gradually Austin grew on me. I opened a bit, began to think of others in good light, found things which would interest me, began to talk, started finding more positives than negatives, began to think of it as home, and then….it is time to leave.

But among all the apprehensions about yet another lonesome streak to come in a new place, there is a sense of relief….a feeling of belongingness to this place. I am grateful to all the people around me who have been so caring and nice, who have shared some memorable trips, who have been loads of fun, who have always been there to lend a helping hand, and who will be friends forever. I really hope such people exist everywhere.

After a lot of effort........

I tried and tried and tried to post a blog, but somehow have never been able to write something till the end....either the thoughts stopped before coming to mind, or the thoughts came but did not reach the keyboard, and if sometimes they even did, they did not last long enough for me to able to finish what I was writing.....After I had given up on the thought of ever writing a blog, I started writing an article on 'grad life'. What ended was not even remotely what I had started with, and surely it was not on 'grad life'. So to at least reward my effort I am posting it as my frist blog, with the hope that the following ones will not be so difficult to come....and before another mishap occurs, I'd better post this one

I graduated from the Indian Institute of Technology (IIT), Delhi, India in 2005 with a major in Board for Sports Activities (BSA) and a minor in Civil Engineering. Treated with the royalty of BSA and the “stud-ness” of the civil department, four years had gone by in sheer luxury. So I decided to pursue my masters’ degree in Transportation engineering, because you know I am a civil engineer by heart, and fortunately got schol in University of Texas at Austin.

Henceforth things began to change. Firstly, coming out of our cozy abode into the big bad world (away from friends made for life time, deprived of belongingness to a hostel, deprived of addictions like at-least-one-Nescafe/MJ-visit-per-day, without a daily dose of Badminton or some other sport) instantly seemed like a nightmare. While one was struggling to get over this one, the second one was not far behind. What came as a thunderbolt to me was to realize that initially I could not contribute enough to either my major area or my minor area here in the US.

To those people for whom ‘soccer’ and ‘football’ (American) are two totally different things, and those who call themselves “World Champions” if they win the National Football League, it was useless to explain what Badminton was. Furthermore, it was impossible to believe that people in cities with barely over half a million people and a well-developed transportation infrastructure were nervous about their transportation problems and were working towards solving them. However, the qualms of these people began to sink in gradually, and then I became appreciative of them, once I realized that this was to be my bread and butter now.

The bigger stroke came from the coursework. When I registered for 3 courses, equivalent to 9 credits, for the first semester I thought of the first sem at IIT – 6 courses, 1 lab, 28 credits – “after this anything in the world is doable”. But believe it or not, these courses burnt enough midnight oil and still I did not manage many As.

So many new ideas began to form and pressure began to develop. Low CG cannot be covered up with extracurricular activities (they don’t give damn). Fellow desis are slogging day and night coz they have a reputation and they need to maintain it. Even if I don’t feel it, I am a foreigner here and should have a reason to be here, other than ‘just chillax’. I have had my share of time-pass and now I should assume some responsibility of my own life, and in some time my family as well….somehow, all things begin to matter more. Among the other luminaries in my batch, (Dr.) Abhishek Das states “May sound clichéd but grad life is you can say the finishing stage of one’s transformation from boy to man. Undergrad life was fun, but grad life is fun as well as responsibility. You understand your role as an engineer better. It is the time when you begin to love the work that you are doing. It is kind of demanding and you are pushed to the very limits of your capabilities. Thinking becomes a major part of your work and lifestyle. You are groomed to face challenges once you are out.”

A lot of the above can be attributed to the workaholic culture of this place, which is striking initially but begins to grow on you gradually. Moreover the number and kind of distractions are minimized here. Two oceans away from family, restricted number of friends (even lesser number who are vella), full personal/household/work responsibilities on you, there is not much choice left but to spend substantial amount of time in work.

However, yet another thing begins to develop….the process of making a home away from home, ‘selecting’ a family, look after/helping out each other, sharing happiness and sorrow, cooking - trying to replicate home food, watching hindi movies as an important occasion, celebrating festivities together, and amidgst all this…….the true essence of ‘desh’ is realized………….